a natural fit

All right - someone with a little imagination.  From our friends over at - a plug I can get behind probably because it doesn't benefit his nibs.

See Big Daddy - food and drink-  right in your wheelhouse.  You want to market some shit, this is the way to go.  Not those crappy t-shirts from whatever backwater website you were using.  Shit, you could sponsor a microbrew featuring each wolf.  Summer's Shandy, Shaggy Dog Stout, Nymeria's Bitch Slappin' BBQ Sauce, works for me. 



GRRM Avoids Stereotypes(!)

Yep, that's right.  I'm back from vacation (not from this....from my real job.  You know, the one that pays me.)  And I got to take a gander at this one:

I could go on and on about the stereotypes that permeate every nook and cranny of ASOIAF, but that's well-worn territory.  To me, here's the Key Quote: "I can describe an axe entering a human skull in great explicit detail and no one will blink twice at it. I provide a similar description, just as detailed, of a penis entering a vagina, and I get letters about it and people swearing off," [GRRM] said.

"To my mind this is kind of frustrating, it's madness. Ultimately, in the history of world, penises entering vaginas have given a lot of people a lot of pleasure; axes entering skulls, well, not so much."

George, allow me to clue you in: the reason why people write letters about it is because the way you describe penises and vaginas is often unbelievably creepy and unnecessary.  The fights and battles in ASOIAF are often necessary occurrences, inevitable results of conflicts, backstabbings, politics, and the like.  And I would argue that the gory descriptions are often necessary, especially when it comes to the lives & deaths of major characters.  In your world of "Don't count them dead until you see the head," it's actually necessary for your readers to be given a definitive description that makes us say, "Okay, so that dude's gone."  And hell, a lot of the time, that doesn't even matter, since now everybody can just rise from the dead if they want.

But sex?  We get it, it's a part of the world, and the characters have to have it.  And it causes problems in numerous ways.  But if you can explain to me exactly why a reader would need a "just as detailed" description of a penis entering a vagina, then by all means, make your case.  To me, it's just a bit creepy.  Or at least weird.  But maybe that's just me.


Sports n' Retorts

I just love that video Ray--it says it all.  I'm so glad you took time off from the truck stop glory holes you frequent to post something as fun as that.  Just looking at The Bearded Ham's workload on his blog makes me think 5 years is about right. 

Let's see...hmmmm, I started these books in roughly 1998 when I had no kids; now it looks like I may have a kid driving by the time The Winds of Winter comes out.  That is some math there, boy.  I mean, seriously, what the fuck?   I've said it before, work on the shit people care about.  The shit that made you famous.  Instead you prefer to shit on your fans with your endless bullshit.

Time named Jiggles one of their 100 most influential people last year.  Bravo, your Vastness!  It's not easy to piss off thousands and not be involved in politics.  So continue pissing off fans and sporting the "small east coast town fisherman" look.

At the end of May 2012, GM gave an interview to Sports Illustrated, in which he says:

MARTIN: I do get invitations all of the time to play actual fantasy football, by the way, but I get the feeling that I'd like it too much. I have enough demands on my time. My fans would kill me.

SI: Yes, your fans are known to be very... anxious. If you had to bet, which will happen first: Your next book is published? Or your Jets win a Super Bowl?

MARTIN: Probably my next book.

SI: You sound defeated.

MARTIN: I have to have the next book out in less than five years. And I think the Jets have taken a step back.

So there it is - 5 years is his goal He's not even going to try.  5 years is now his norm.  What a cocksucker.  Take your time my man, what does it matter at this point?  You think your fans would kill you if you played fantasy football? Naw, go ahead, it's not going to affect the 5 year plan.

I don't know why we even try anymore - the dude is set in his ways.  GM thinks 5 years is fine, so I guess HBO does as well.  By the way, the season 2 finale sucked my fatty.  Hey awesome, we saw a bunch of things that might happen.  Are we going to see the fight on the fist?  Probably not, we will just see Night's Watchmen running away in the aftermath. I guess we did get a little closure when Danny burned down the House of the Undying - at least it was something you could end a segment on.  And what happened to the wolves? Pretty lame stuff in my opinion. 


Paul and Storm Renew My Faith in Humanity, Or Something

You know, as of late, Pesci and I have been discussing the future of FTBG.  Considering GRRM's output rate, we realized that we might be writing this blog for another ten years until the last book is out.  Ten years.  I mean, at some point, I'm going to run out of parody scripts, or snotty remarks, or cocaine.  And then where will we be? (If you guessed "Shivering and covered in snot in a rest stop bathroom," congratulations, you win!)  And after all, I'm pretty sure we've made our point; I can't imagine us getting any more undue attention than we've already received, or making friends with even more of the awesome supporters, webmasters, and ubergeeks that we've come in contact with since this began.

So we're really just filling time at this point...aren't we?

I don't know.  Because many others have taken the ball and gotten it rolling in a variety of creative and entertaining ways, and that makes me wonder if perhaps FTBG has outlived its usefulness.  After all, do I really have the time/effort/creativity to match this piece of brilliance from Paul and Storm? 

I doubt it.  And man, I would love to drink beers with these guys. 

However, that brings me to a new thought.  Even though the relevance of FTBG is a bit questionable at this point, it's great moments of humor and creativity like Paul and Storm's video that let me know that its mission is not.  Paul and Storm, thank you for reminding me that FTBG is not alone in the universe, that all of this has not been for naught, and that maybe, just maybe, there's more entertainment to be mined from the rich and glorious depths of ASOIAF. 

Waxing poetic on a beautiful Friday afternoon,

P.S. Once again, I have to say it...Paul and Storm, that video is fricking fantastic.

It's Like I Don't Even Have to Try Anymore

There are a litany of jokes coming to mind here, but I don't even know where to begin.  (Probably somewhere around "he is wearing a dark purple embroidered waistcoat.")  So I'm turning this one over to our reader(s).  Take a gander at this piece, and choose your favorite moment:

Lunch with the FT: George RR Martin

And once you're done chortling over that one, take a look at this new bit of merchandising, which really has raised the bar to a sickening degree. (Here's a suggestion: if you have $30,000 to blow on GOT-related items, I suggest you skip the trinkets and just pay me $30,000 a year to write this blog.  I'll even sign a contract guaranteeing it'll be done on schedule!  People do that, right?)

Now I must go to the laundromat and, perhaps, go running.  Y'all be cool.

Poke My Eyes Out

I just finished this week's GOT on HBO.  BOOOOOOORRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only is the talky talk to muchy much, but some of my favorite scenes from the book, that should be easy to incorporate are missing.  Couldn't we have seen the Rangers running from the Lord O' Bones, instead of being captured?

Instead we get.......

"Hey where are StoneSkin and Boffo?"
"Oh, they died."
"That sucks!"
"Don't make it for nothing."

Then Halfhand white washes Snow.

Then, one of my favorite scenes is at Harenhal when Arya convinces Jauquin, Biter and Bob (forgot his name) to bust up the Lannisters in order to free Rob's men.  Ayra and her soup?  Come on HBO!  Is Vargo going to capture Jaime at least?  Or will they have Brienne just cut off his hand?  For one of the most expensive series of all time, I enjoyed watching The Legend of the Seeker on WGN better than this crap.

Bring back Kahlan and Cara!!!!!!! 

Light Reading, Heavy Breathing

Some interesting reading to throw your way today, my friends.  First is Ned Vizzini's LA Times article "Game of Thrones": George RR Martin Fights the Genre Wars.  Partially a cloying praisesong for GRRM, and part an exercise in pop lit allusions, it deals with the idea of mainstream acceptance of fantasy lit, as well as genre conventions and moving against expectations.  Oh, and there are a whole bunch of marginally-relevant quotes scattered in there, as well.  I can't say I disagree with Vizzini's main points, but he does seem to tout GRRM as far more groundbreaking than I think might be deserved.  Anyway, something for your bathroom Kindle reading there.

Regarding that silly show that of course I have to watch, my comments will be presented to you in an easy-to-process, bulleted list format:
  • I still like Arya, and the Tywin/Arya scenes have been pretty sweet.
  • Where the hell are Strong Belwas, Barristan Selmy, and the rest of the actually interesting characters in Daenerys's plotline?  All of that shit just depresses me.
  • Theon looks like a toucher.
Yep, that's about all I have to say on that subject.  But if you're interested in some discussion of sexposition--the pithy phrase that some academic came up with for the GOT series' habit of providing lengthy plot exposition while simultaneously having naked people frolic around on beds--then perhaps this article from the Daily Beast is for you.

Finally, shockingly enough, the reviews for the GOT licensed RPG are not looking good.  (On a side note, the word "abysmal" needs to appear more often in reviews.  You know, like when someone has an abysmal attitude toward their fans.)

That's all I have for today.  Y'all keep it real.

What's the Point?

What is up you bastards?  Things have been a little crazy for old Pesci lately.  If you’re looking for some action at the window I have the inside track on a 7 year old softball team.  Bet the Maroon Dolphins and Uncle Joe will take care of you.

 Right now I am gearing up for the big NATO summit in the Chicago.  All the stinkies are in town ready to throw their feces at Chicago’s finest.  I hope to see some serious beatings. 

 Everyone enjoying this season of GOT on HBO?  I find it a little blah so far.  I do enjoy how the directors try to distract us from the monotony by throwing in background sex scenes while the characters give dialogue.  I mean, the show is fine, but I need a little more action.  I think it is a bit of copout when you have a guy like Theon bust into Bran’s room and have to explain everything he did step by step.  Just show us a little bit; Ironmen throwing grappling hooks, slitting the throats of a few guards etc.  I don’t ask for much.  If I need intense action, I can always flip on an episode of Spartacus. I do feel that they are trying to shove too much into each episode. For such a high budget show they do slack a bit in the action scene department.  Right now I think my favorite part of the show is the opening theme music. But enough about that.

 How’s our boy doing?  What’s he doing?  Any progress on book six?  We are past the one year anniversary of Dance (April 28th 2011).

So let’s see:  Chubbles is directing fans to Ebay to find limited copies of something he signed….not interesting……..plugging figures and a GOT video game, which actually does look pretty good…… song of ice and fire update – not updated…… stuff…..Jets will be dysfunctional again……no news there………whining about how many emails he has to catch up on…..if you are typing Lord Tater, put you efforts into your craft and not a heaping bowl of Kraft mac n’ cheese……….lot’s of travel bullshit, he is pretty much gone all summer….great no work to be done ……

 So what do we do?  Not much we can do.  I’ve grown so bored, I found myself reading old Drizzt Do’urden novels.  Love the double scimitars. 

 Uh-oh – I just read that an old short story of His Vastness is also being considered for an HBO series – The Skin Trade, so werewolf novel.  This means more distractions. 

 Lately I have been musing over the idea that I started reading GOT in college and I might be paying for college for my oldest when this series is finally finished.  Weird and a bit pathetic.



Caption Contest

Let's play a game.  Suggest the appropriate caption for what's going on in Peter Dinklage's head in this photo:

Am I wrong, or does it look like they've actually been keeping him in one of the black cells for a year or two?

(Incidentally, the photo comes from this article, in which you can learn more stupid bullshit about the HBO series.)

On a side note, this one's a few weeks old, but if you've been wondering about The Winds of Winter, here's another useless article with a tidbit of information.

"--New George R.R. Martin: There's good news and bad news for Game of Thrones fans. Watch Martin, the mastermind behind the fantasy series-turned-popular HBO show, read from his upcoming sixth book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series, The Winds of Winter. But fans will to have to wait for the real thing. Martin tells CTV News he has written about 200 pages so far and plans to finish in about two years."

A three-year separation between ADWD and TWOW?  Got my fingers crossed for you on that one, George.

A Pre-Flo Rida History Lesson

That's right, Liotta has to head to the land of apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and all the homeboys lookin' at....well, me, of course.  (What, you think Uncle Ray don't truck with the club scene?  Pssh!) 

But while I'm in the land of coke and retirement communities, I thought I might pass this bit along to you.  Kelly DeVries, Professor of History at Loyola U. in Maryland, just published this article about A Game of Thrones as history, and the relative realism (or lack thereof) that the series possesses.  It's not too long and gives some interesting backstory, some o which you probably knew, but a few items that you might not have been privy to.

Perhaps my favorite quote is in the beginnings of the article, when DeVries notes that "the real Middle Ages were very boring -- and if Martin's epic were truly historically accurate, it would be very boring too."  So perhaps I've been looking at AFFC and ADWD all wrong--maybe in these last two books he's just been sacrificing excitement for realism, like a true scholar of the age.  If that is the case, then bravo, dear sir.

Regardless of my snarky remarks on old George, the article itself is pretty interesting.  Since Pesci has always had a better mind for history than I have, I need the occasional backstories and reminders about the roots of some of GRRM's inspirations. (Oddly enough--or perhaps not at all--is that the items DeVries details in his article are pretty much the most interesting parts of the series. DeVries wisely avoids listing off the historical precursors to scenes such as "Catelyn cries underneath a tree" and "Everyone in Dorne sits around and talks about bullshit for a hundred pages.")

Anyway, enjoy the reading.  I'll see you all in a few!